Live Positively

Did you know that according to the research of positive psychologist Dr. Marc Seligman, people with pessimistic and self-blaming attribution style of explaining bad events are more likely to suffer from depression, experience hormonal and immune system changes, and are more likely to die younger?

Changing your attitude about the things that happen to you can take some time and maybe even some help from others. To get a head start, you can keep a journal of things that you are grateful for, and make sure you write something in it every day. Another thing you can do is practice self-forgiveness. If you blame yourself, focus on the thing that you did, and just make a commitment to do something different next time - this focuses your mind on your options and power to make choices. This also prevents you from mentally sealing your fate.  Lastly, I recommend beginning some kind of mindfulness based meditation practice. This will help you to become more aware of automatic thought and emotional patterns, and also to become less reactive to them. If you can do this, even if you have a tendency to shame yourself, you can see it happening, and chose to let it be a fleeting thought instead of a trap.

Acknowledging Holotropic States of Consciousness in a New Paradigm of Science - Abstract

Abstract

The current leading Newtonian-Cartesian paradigm falls short in accounting for a wide range
of data, warranting a more holistic and multidisciplinary paradigm This paper is a theoretical analysis of the current paradigm, as well as the emerging one. The classical leading paradigm is reviewed in historical context. The shortcomings and limitations of the current paradigm are described. Various books, selected journal articles, and personal observations are used to validate the necessity for a shift from the current paradigm. The emerging paradigm unites modern physics and consciousness research with ancient wisdom traditions. Fritjof Capra and Lawrence LeShan describe parallels between modern psychics and ancient wisdom traditions of the East. The works of Rhea White, Michael Harner, and Stanislav Grof are used to confirm the ubiquity  and  validity  of  holotropic  states  of  consciousness.    Grof’s  Holotropic  model  and   Hutchins’  Gnosis  model  are  described  as  two  of  the  many  holotropically  oriented  models  of  the   psyche. The support from these contemporary intellectuals sustains the argument for a necessary paradigmatic shift taken by transpersonal psychology.

(To be continued. Feel free to contact me for full citation of any works referenced)

Special Edition on Healthy Lasting Love

CRAZY LOVE

Remember teenage crushes and being “head-over-heals-in-love.” Well, if you do, you may also remember that everything that happened from about 12 to 20 years old was filled with emotional turmoil. As a teenager, anything can turn you head-over-heals. Certain things about adolescence make love and romance particularly crazy-making. This includes a spike in hormones, a brain that is not fully developed in areas of complex decision making, and not yet having a solid sense of identity. So, why might love still drive you hog-wild as an adult?

 More Growth = Better Love

It may help to keep in mind that your first love may have taken place during the time when your brain was still developing towards its adult form. Emotional pathways linked to thoughts and feelings associated with love were formed. So there is a tendency to act in those ways that are pre-programmed, so to speak. But don’t worry. You are not stuck with that teenage love-mind. Current research is demonstrating that our brains have plasticity. This means that pathways can change. This is why some adult couples still act like teenagers, and others have gotten better with age. It just takes a little work to get better at regulating emotions, knowing yourself, and balancing give with take.  

Couples Development - First, I want to say a little bit about the development of a couple’s relationship.
 Many theories about couples development say that couples develop in a way that parallels early childhood development with parents. One of my favorite theories about this is by Ellen Badder, Ph.D., and Peter T. Pearson, Ph.D., who based their work on Margaret Mahler’s theory of childhood development.  Basically, Badder and Pearson propose that a relationship starts with Symbiosis, where each person in the relationship basically merges their life with the other. This is the intense bonding in what we call the “honeymoon” phase, or feeling “madly in love.” Eventually, differences arise and a couple needs to face their differences, thus entering the second phase, Differentiation. I can tell you that theory and experience tells me that most relationships don’t make it past this point. Most people have to go through at least a few relationships before something long-term comes to be. In the next phase, couples practice doing things apart from each other. They each focus a bit more on themselves. This is called Practicing. More conflicts and power struggles can come up here. Eventually, each person will be a little more secure about who they are in the relationship, and Rapprochement occurs. Each person starts focusing more on the relationship and emotional support again. Couples in rapprochement can more easily alternate between independence and increased intimacy. As Bader and Pearson in their book, In the Quest of the Mythical Mate, 1988*, explain the later phases in couples development,“Encouraged to grow through external contacts in the world and strengthened by the knowledge that they are loved by each other, the couple may enter a later phase of constancy, in which the perfect is reconciled with the real and the stage of mutual interdependence is attained.” Here we see a balance between deep intimacy and love, and each person being secure in themselves. This is the polar opposite from couples who are co-dependent, where feelings and actions are based completely on another person, and each person in some way loses themselves. 

I like this theory because it spells out what many of us have felt as we strain and struggle to grow our relationships. It challenges the myth of “happily ever after,” and implies that commitment and honesty are critical  if a relationship is to last in a healthy way. 

David Schnarch, Ph.D. is one of the leading authors and researchers on love and intimacy. He based much of his work on Murray Bowen’s concept of differentiation. “Differentiation,” simply put, means one’s ability to think, feel, and make decisions freely on their own; being able to “balance their independence with interdependence” in a relationship (Schnarch, 2012 in press*). His most recent developments support that the happiest couples have individuals with the ability to manage their own negative feelings, balance holding one’s ground with picking one’s battles, stay mindful and in control of one’s self, and be able to get out of one’s “comfort zone.”

Life in training

I recently taught a young man how to ride a bicycle. Someone had told me it would be a lot easier to teach an adult than it would a child, since he has all of his gross and fine motor skills. Even thought he learned the skill on just a couple of hours, I was - in a somewhat nostalgic way- surprised to see that even the most basic parts of riding a bike were so foreign to this young man. From hand placement, to the act of pedaling, to the way to sit on the seat. I started thinking about the capacities that I, and many of us, may take for granted. I thought about how each and every one of us is unique in the experience and ability that we have, and how easy it may be to take this for granted. How is one to assume that the person sitting next to them on the bus, or across from them in the classroom, has the same experience in mind, in body, or in soul? This was a lesson in compassion for me. Thanks to this young man, I feel that I can be more sensitive to the easily overlooked fact that we are each on a unique journey, and the only way to truly know anyone is to ask, connect, and have an honest relationship. We are all learning to ride the vehicle of life, on our own pace, and each on our unique path with its own terrain.